"I don't have to like my players and associates, but as their leader, I must love them. And, please believe me gentlemen, my love will be relentless."
(Vince Lombardi)
In regards to the current improvement and future success of the fraternity movement, the Beatles had it right: All You Need is Love. Yes, love.
Let me offer this in a different way. As fraternity men, we do not love our brothers enough, and if we loved our brothers more, we'd be in a better place.
If you have trouble saying those exact words to the men you call your brothers, understand that there are other ways to say it. It gets back to understanding what love really means.
Loving your brothers means confronting them. It means putting a halt to decisions that could ruin the lives of your brothers, or others around them. It means stepping between a brother and potential disaster. When you say "stop" or "no" to a brother, you are saying "I love you."
Loving your brothers means caring about their situation and their experiences. It means observing a quivering lip or a watery eye, and putting your arm around him. It means noticing someone's absence and taking the extra step to find him. It means genuinely inquiring about their life. When you say "how are you doing today" to a brother, you are saying "I love you."
Loving your brothers means pushing them. It means challenging them to bring their best. It means getting them off the couch and to the meeting, or event, or service project. It means acknowledging achievements and rewarding extra effort. When you say "I expect more of you" to a brother, you are saying "I love you."
Love is central to the fraternity experience. Love is central to the bonds that create brotherhood and sisterhood. Love is another one of those cherished few aspects of fraternity that separate our organizations from every other. When we forget the importance of love in the modern college fraternity, it's as though we're forgetting the fraternity itself.
If a person chooses to live life independently, to be the solitary climber on top of the mountain, then he may be able to avoid love. Although, loving yourself may be the most important action any person can take.
When you elect to be a part of fraternity, and let fraternity be a part of you, you give up independence. The same can be said for marriage, or bringing children into the world, or any other decision that involves intense relationships. When you make those choices, you decide to begin sacrificing a part of who you are in order for the others in the relationship to thrive. And they do it in turn for you. This willing act to give yourself for others and be in community with them is a glorious expression of love.
And that's why love exists in every minute of the fraternity experience.
Let's all strive to be better at loving our brothers. It is not easy, but it's fairly simple. If you've ever been to a wedding, likely you've heard the famous biblical passage about love found in Corinthians. It can serve as a roadmap for how we can be better at love.
And isn't that what we try to do in fraternity? To strive to be an ideal expression of human connection?
Without getting too deep, I would just offer this: If we accept love as the only way we can truly be brothers with each other, then we can realize our potential as organizations that bond men together.
And, it wouldn't hurt to say it more often as well.
And just because I'm not sure if I ever said it back long ago - to all my brothers from 310 North Bishop...I love you guys.
I'm not speaking about romantic love, although that could happen. I'm speaking about much more primal and original meaning of love - the act of extending yourself for others to make them better.
C.S. Lewis said that, “Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.”
In short, when you decide that love is more than a Nicholas Sparks novel or a Hugh Grant movie, you'll realize that love abounds in the fraternity experience. Yes men, love is all around, and love is all you need.
It's hard for men to say "I love you" to each other. It can feel awkward and unusual. I remember the first time I decided to start saying it to my dad more frequently. Ironically (or perhaps not), I made this decision while in college and while in my undergraduate fraternity years. I decided one night to start ending our weekly phone conversations by saying "I love you" to my dad. I wasn't sure what I would get on the other end of the line. After a few seconds, the reply was "I love you too."
If you have trouble saying those exact words to the men you call your brothers, understand that there are other ways to say it. It gets back to understanding what love really means.Loving your brothers means confronting them. It means putting a halt to decisions that could ruin the lives of your brothers, or others around them. It means stepping between a brother and potential disaster. When you say "stop" or "no" to a brother, you are saying "I love you."
Loving your brothers means caring about their situation and their experiences. It means observing a quivering lip or a watery eye, and putting your arm around him. It means noticing someone's absence and taking the extra step to find him. It means genuinely inquiring about their life. When you say "how are you doing today" to a brother, you are saying "I love you."
Loving your brothers means pushing them. It means challenging them to bring their best. It means getting them off the couch and to the meeting, or event, or service project. It means acknowledging achievements and rewarding extra effort. When you say "I expect more of you" to a brother, you are saying "I love you."
Love is central to the fraternity experience. Love is central to the bonds that create brotherhood and sisterhood. Love is another one of those cherished few aspects of fraternity that separate our organizations from every other. When we forget the importance of love in the modern college fraternity, it's as though we're forgetting the fraternity itself.
If a person chooses to live life independently, to be the solitary climber on top of the mountain, then he may be able to avoid love. Although, loving yourself may be the most important action any person can take.
When you elect to be a part of fraternity, and let fraternity be a part of you, you give up independence. The same can be said for marriage, or bringing children into the world, or any other decision that involves intense relationships. When you make those choices, you decide to begin sacrificing a part of who you are in order for the others in the relationship to thrive. And they do it in turn for you. This willing act to give yourself for others and be in community with them is a glorious expression of love.
And that's why love exists in every minute of the fraternity experience.
Let's all strive to be better at loving our brothers. It is not easy, but it's fairly simple. If you've ever been to a wedding, likely you've heard the famous biblical passage about love found in Corinthians. It can serve as a roadmap for how we can be better at love.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.This passage wasn't written for weddings only, or even at all. It was written, I believe, to attempt to describe the indescribable - to put into words the human experience. To try and reflect the best of who we are as people.
And isn't that what we try to do in fraternity? To strive to be an ideal expression of human connection?
Without getting too deep, I would just offer this: If we accept love as the only way we can truly be brothers with each other, then we can realize our potential as organizations that bond men together.
And, it wouldn't hurt to say it more often as well.
And just because I'm not sure if I ever said it back long ago - to all my brothers from 310 North Bishop...I love you guys.
This essay and many more are available in Forever Fraternity: Essays to Challenge, Celebrate and Advance the College Fraternity
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