I Refuse to Go Alumni Status

A simple idea occurred to me while attending a fraternity’s international convention. Like most conventions, the attendees were largely undergraduate students, but there were a fair number of alumni as well. This fraternity referred to its undergraduates as their “members” and alumni as “alumni members.” I think this is fairly common in both fraternities and sororities.

Thus, having been out of college for about a dozen years, I was referred to as an “alumni member.”

As a national or international organization, what if you reversed that? What if you started calling your alumni your “members” and your undergraduates something like “collegiate members?” How might that simple word switch change the culture of your organization?

Many sororities already refer to their undergraduate members as “collegiates,” but use “alumnae members” as a term also.

In my experience, when the designation of “alumni member” is conferred upon an individual, either informally or formally, it creates a change in mindset. It creates a sense that the primary work is over, and that one’s involvement in the fraternity is diminishing. That may not be the intent, but it seems to almost always be the result.

How many times have you heard an undergraduate say that they are going “alumni status?” This is code language for “I’m done.” While the experiences of a college student and a graduate are markedly different, somehow the illusion has been created that being an alumnus or alumna means that you are less of a member.

We are lifelong associations, right? Well, if a person lives to be 85 years old, they will have been known as “member” of their organization – in the standard sense – for only 6% of their adult life. Is it any wonder that we have problems with alumni engagement?

It should be noted that most NPHC organizations see tremendous involvement from alumni, especially those who join after the college years. They face less of a problem.

Changing language isn’t enough. It never is. However, for most groups, it can start us towards a new era of greater engagement by our members. It can also give greater meaning – not less – to that critical transition from graduating Senior to real-world adult.

Wouldn’t it be great if alumni stopped saying that they used to be members of their Greek-letter organization? Perhaps, if we give them the right to call themselves members, they will.

I am 43 years old, and have been out of college for 22 years. I don’t believe that I am less of a member of my fraternity now. In fact, in almost every way, I hope that I am a better one.

From now until my last breath, I will proudly be a member of my fraternity.

And the journey continues.

Fraternity and the Lasting Power of Connection

In the previous post, I argued that fraternity can be a force for social change, especially around some key social epidemics that we may be primed to solve. I want to explore some of these topics in more depth and argue why fraternity can be an answer. Let’s start with the social epidemic of loneliness.

Look at this alarming data from 2018 study by Cigna: 

• Nearly half of Americans report sometimes or always feeling alone (46 percent) or left out (47 percent). 
• One in four Americans (27 percent) rarely or never feel as though there are people who really understand them. 
• Two in five Americans sometimes or always feel that their relationships are not meaningful (43 percent) and that they are isolated from others (43 percent). 
• One in five people report they rarely or never feel close to people (20 percent) or feel like there are people they can talk to (18 percent). 
• Only around half of Americans (53 percent) have meaningful in-person social interactions, such as having an extended conversation with a friend or spending quality time with family, on a daily basis.

The same study found that Generation Z (adults ages 18-22) is the loneliest generation. These are the young men and women you may have just talked with at formal rush. 

Loneliness is a major issue that has huge health implications. Former U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy says loneliness can be fatal. As quoted in a CBS news story. Dr. Murthy says that "The increased mortality associated with loneliness is equal to the increased mortality we see with smoking 15 cigarettes a day. It's in fact greater than the mortality associated with obesity." 

Dr. Frank McAndrew in Psychology Today argues that “Rejection by others psychologically wounds us more deeply than almost anything else, and research by neuroscientists reveals that ostracism can lead to feeling actual physical pain.” In addition, the amount of stress that loneliness creates can have serious mental health implications. 

But here is an important point: just being in proximity with people does not mean one is not lonely. Dr. Murthy notes that it’s about the quality of “authentic relationships” one has, which may be only a handful. The number of social media followers, for example, does not indicate if someone does or doesn’t experience loneliness. 

So what does this mean for fraternity? How can we be an answer to this epidemic of loneliness? 

The easy answer (and wrong one) is that we simply are clubs made of people and thus we are an easy place to gather and escape loneliness. Remember, it’s about the quality and authenticity of relationships that matter. By all means, we should be as open as possible to individuals who are seeking connection and wanting to live in community with others. But, what matters most is how we foster those connections once our rosters are full. 

Fraternities and sororities are unique on college campuses because we seek to create brotherhood and sisterhood, which TRULY are the types of relationships that fight feelings of isolation and loneliness. Brotherhood and sisterhood is rooted in shared values that we speak and live together. It isn’t based on the fact we occupy the same house, or wear the same letters. It’s based on what we pledged to do together, often while standing shoulder to shoulder. 

It’s those deeper connections that make fraternity and sorority an absolutely relevant institution in modern times. Many clubs based on shared values in our society are fading away (see Rotary, Lions, Kiwanis). And thus, connections outside of your family unit that aren’t rooted in networking or happy hours or other thin experiences are in short supply. 

So, your work is to determine if you would qualify your undergraduate brotherhood or sisterhood experience as a thick and consequential one. Do you observe that members benefit from their connections with each other in social and emotional ways? Here are some questions you could use as you investigate that question: 

• Do members seem more fulfilled by their daily lives and act with purpose and energy? 
• Are they able to fight through stress in a positive way and don’t let difficulties linger? 
• Do members seek out opportunities to interact with each other? 
• Can you observe true moments of connection, such as outreach in times of pain or authentic reactions to positive events? 
• Is your organization free from cliques and bullying that would cause some members to feel isolated?

Beyond undergraduate experiences, could fraternities and sororities help solve the epidemic of loneliness by putting increased emphasis on alumni and how they can reconnect with the values and the brotherhood/sisterhood they once experienced daily? Alumni-focused efforts are largely to support the undergraduate “product” or for fundraising but what about a product just for alumni and just for the purpose of building human connections at a time when we all need it? Things to consider at the national office as you plan for an alumni engagement program. 

Loneliness cannot be eliminated from our society. There are too many contributing factors. But the nature of our organizations - fraternities and sororities - gives us a unique opportunity (I daresay obligation) to do what we can. 

An important point: part of the beauty of the fraternity/sorority experience is the closeness it can provide. And thus, we may be more aware than anyone else about someone’s mental and emotional state. We need to stay observant to signs of struggle (which may look like loneliness, or anger, or stress) and be willing to talk with each other. If you emerge from your fraternity/sorority experience with an increased comfort in talking with a friend about their struggles, then you will have earned a critical skill many people spend a lifetime chasing.

Love Your Brothers

"I don't have to like my players and associates, but as their leader, I must love them.  And, please believe me gentlemen, my love will be relentless." 

(Vince Lombardi)

In regards to the current improvement and future success of the fraternity movement, the Beatles had it right: All You Need is Love. 

Yes, love.

Let me offer this in a different way.  As fraternity men, we do not love our brothers enough, and if we loved our brothers more, we'd be in a better place.

I'm not speaking about romantic love, although that could happen.  I'm speaking about much more primal and original meaning of love - the act of extending yourself for others to make them better.   

C.S. Lewis said that,  “Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.”  

In short, when you decide that love is more than a Nicholas Sparks novel or a Hugh Grant movie, you'll realize that love abounds in the fraternity experience.  Yes men, love is all around, and love is all you need.

It's hard for men to say "I love you" to each other.  It can feel awkward and unusual.  I remember the first time I decided to start saying it to my dad more frequently.  Ironically (or perhaps not), I made this decision while in college and while in my undergraduate fraternity years.  I decided one night to start ending our weekly phone conversations by saying "I love you" to my dad.  I wasn't sure what I would get on the other end of the line.  After a few seconds, the reply was "I love you too." 

If you have trouble saying those exact words to the men you call your brothers, understand that there are other ways to say it.  It gets back to understanding what love really means.

Loving your brothers means confronting them.  It means putting a halt to decisions that could ruin the lives of your brothers, or others around them.  It means stepping between a brother and potential disaster.  When you say "stop" or "no" to a brother, you are saying "I love you."

Loving your brothers means caring about their situation and their experiences.  It means observing a quivering lip or a watery eye, and putting your arm around him.  It means noticing someone's absence and taking the extra step to find him.  It means genuinely inquiring about their life.  When you say "how are you doing today" to a brother, you are saying "I love you."

Loving your brothers means pushing them.  It means challenging them to bring their best. It means getting them off the couch and to the meeting, or event, or service project.  It means acknowledging achievements and rewarding extra effort.  When you say "I expect more of you" to a brother, you are saying "I love you."

Love is central to the fraternity experience.  Love is central to the bonds that create brotherhood and sisterhood.  Love is another one of those cherished few aspects of fraternity that separate our organizations from every other.  When we forget the importance of love in the modern college fraternity, it's as though we're forgetting the fraternity itself.

If a person chooses to live life independently, to be the solitary climber on top of the mountain, then he may be able to avoid love.  Although, loving yourself may be the most important action any person can take.

When you elect to be a part of fraternity, and let fraternity be a part of you, you give up independence.  The same can be said for marriage, or bringing children into the world, or any other decision that involves intense relationships.  When you make those choices, you decide to begin sacrificing a part of who you are in order for the others in the relationship to thrive.  And they do it in turn for you.  This willing act to give yourself for others and be in community with them is a glorious expression of love.

And that's why love exists in every minute of the fraternity experience.  

Let's all strive to be better at loving our brothers.  It is not easy, but it's fairly simple.  If you've ever been to a wedding, likely you've heard the famous biblical passage about love found in Corinthians.  It can serve as a roadmap for how we can be better at love.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. 

This passage wasn't written for weddings only, or even at all.  It was written, I believe, to attempt to describe the indescribable - to put into words the human experience.  To try and reflect the best of who we are as people.

And isn't that what we try to do in fraternity?  To strive to be an ideal expression of human connection?

Without getting too deep, I would just offer this:  If we accept love as the only way we can truly be brothers with each other, then we can realize our potential as organizations that bond men together.

And, it wouldn't hurt to say it more often as well.

And just because I'm not sure if I ever said it back long ago - to all my brothers from 310 North Bishop...I love you guys.

A Senior's Thanks

“Gentlemen, please be quiet!”

The roar of the room continued unabated.

“Gentlemen, please!” the President shouted again.

“Guys SHUT UP!” offered the much more forceful Vice President, who was blessed with a thunderous voice. The room finally settled down.

“Thanks Ben. Welcome guys to our annual Thanksgiving dinner. The dining room is clean, you guys are mostly clean, and we’re going to have nice night. Our wonderful house-mom Rhonda did an absolutely great job with the dinner – so let’s thank her.”

Rhonda answered the cheers and applause by standing up to take a showy bow.

The President continued: “Don’t start eating just yet. Before we do, let’s go around the room this year and each person can say something they’re thankful for.”

Moans and groans were accompanied by someone shouting “let’s impeach the president!”

The room cheered and a dinner roll found itself narrowly missing the President’s head. He laughed. “Hey – this is what my family does, and I claim each you as family. Even Landry.”

“F*#@ you” said Landry.

“Let’s start to my left.”

“I’m thankful for food. Can we please eat now?” the first brother quipped.

“Keep going,” said the President.

“I’m thankful for all you guys,” said the next brother. He was met with a chorus of sarcastic awws.

The next brother said “I’m thankful for sororities!” “Damn right!” shouted another.

And around the room they went, one after another, some comments serious but most were half-hearted and meant to show one’s wit in favor of one’s vulnerability.

And then it was the Senior’s turn. He was the only Senior to arrive tonight, and some of the youngest guys had only met him a few times. He had been nervously playing with the cloth napkin in front of him, but now looked out at his brothers with confident and mature eyes that showed there was something he wanted to say.

“I guess I’m thankful for a lot,” he started. “But I’ll be clear tonight in saying that I’m thankful for this fraternity.”

“Okay let’s eat now!” interrupted the first brother.

“Hold on,” the Senior said. “I’m not finished.”

“I’m thankful for every moment – good, bad, or otherwise – spent in this fraternity so far. I’m thankful for every man seated around these tables tonight. I am thankful for the fun times, the laughter, the horsing around, the pranks, and more.”

He continued, “I am thankful in equal measure for the times that were uncomfortable, challenging, and miserably difficult. Maybe even more so. I tend to think most of who I am was forged by the fire of hard times.”

The room had become very quiet. Silverware didn’t clink as it laid quietly beside the plates. The soft tinkling of ice settling in the water glasses was the only sound, along with the gentle scuffling of someone’s shoes against the hardwood floor.

“I am thankful for all of you that came to my grandpa’s funeral. You made that sad day exceptionally special.”

“I am thankful for Doug. I bet you a million dollars I would have never met a guy like Doug if not for this fraternity. And I’m thankful for Jeff. Those who know me know that Jeff and I have never gotten along. In fact, there are times we downright hated each other. We may never see eye-to-eye, but Jeff, I respect you and I am absolutely thankful for you.”

“I am thankful for all those who surround us and try to make us better. Our alumni board, our chapter advisor, Rhonda. They have made a choice to give a part of their lives away, so that our lives can be stronger. That’s selfless stuff guys. We owe them our best – and consider that every time you’re about to do something stupid.”

“Speaking of that, I’m thankful for surviving all of my stupid moments. I’m going to make sure the lessons I’ve learned are passed on to you.”

“I am thankful for the courage I’ve seen in this fraternity over the years. The courage for Paul to take that step to leave the fraternity so that he could get his act together. The courage for Bryce to help Paul realize that. I’m thankful for Gavin’s courage in coming out. And I’m thankful for the courage all of you had in learning to first accept it, and now appreciate it.”

“I’m thankful that we’re all there for each other. I wonder if we’ll truly ever appreciate how special it was to have these connections during this time in our lives.”

“I’m thankful for that guy from the national office who was here last week. Yeah, okay, boo if you want, but think about his vocation right now. It’s to visit dopes like us, help us better understand the power of this thing we belong to, and ultimately help us live closer to its ideal. I’m thankful he came into our lives and I know you are too.”

“I’m thankful for our potential. I’ve decided that potential is like a wild bird that is hard to grab, and harder to hold. But I’ve seen us hold it. We’ve held it in those moments in which we stepped outside of ourselves to help a brother in need. We’ve held it when we’ve stared down the popular choice and went for the right one instead. We’ve held it when the moment stood larger than us, but we found a way to rise to it anyhow. But we’ve also let the wild bird go. Too often. But, in a way, I’m thankful for those moments too. Why make this whole thing easy?”

“I’ll say it again - I am thankful for this fraternity. I am thankful for each and every word of each and every oath I’ve ever said in its name.”

“I am thankful for the badge you allow me to wear, which is a privilege earned by faithfulness to our Ritual and creed.”

“I am thankful for the chance to sit here with my brothers a different man, a better man, than I was three years ago. And I promise to all of you, and to this fraternity, I will do all in my power in the life ahead of me…to make you thankful for me.”

The room was made silent by his words.

What couldn’t be heard, but could be seen if you were there, were small acts of men telling other men how much they were loved. One brother gripped the shoulder of another. A brother gave a sharp punch into the shoulder of the brother next to him. Another brother wiped away a tear before it could be seen.

The almost spiritual quiet was finally broken by that first brother, speaking a little more gently this time.

“Can we eat now?”

The President smiled wide.

“Yes.”

Five Signs That Could Save a Life

Another horrible school shooting. 

Like you, I’m wondering why the hell this happens and what we can do for it to never happen again. Maybe like you, I also recognize it’s a complicated issue that will need to be addressed from several angles.

In the aftermath, it has been learned that the shooter demonstrated some behaviors and made some statements that were troubling. For many in the school, there is shock in what happened, but not necessarily in who the perpetrator was. Clearly, someone who acts in this way is unhealthy mentally and emotionally and likely has lived in that state for a long time before he opened fire. 

Now, this isn’t to cast aspersions on those who may have noticed some troubling signs but didn’t act upon them. Who knows what you or I might have done with similar information. In addition, no person who chooses to shoot up a school fits into a formula of detection. There are others (thousands more) in our society who struggle with what the shooter may have struggled with, but don’t lash out in such a violent way. 

Could he have been stopped by something as simple as a caring conversation some months earlier? Hard to tell. 

I’ll leave the discussions about guns to another blog. This blog is about organizational living, especially as expressed in the college fraternity and sorority experience. In that way, it is also about the dynamics that occur when we live in community with other people…be that a fraternity, or a school, or a workplace, or a family. Community life calls upon us all to take care of each other. 

If a brother or sister of yours were to clutch their chest and show symptoms of a heart condition, we’d call 911. If a brother or sister breaks their hand, we will get them to an emergency room. But, if a brother or sister is struggling with another organ – their brain – we don’t always act as quickly. Likely because we don’t understand the signs or are scared by ideas like depression, schizophrenia, bipolar, and suicide. 

I was recently introduced to a simple and effective tool that all fraternity and sorority members should understand and utilize in this regard. 

The tool comes from an organization called The Campaign to Change Direction, whose purpose is expressed as follows: 
 
The Change Direction initiative is a collection of concerned citizens, nonprofit leaders, and leaders from the private sector who have come together to change the culture in America about mental health, mental illness, and wellness. This initiative was inspired by the discussion at the White House National Conference on Mental Health in 2013, which came on the heels of the Newtown, Conn. tragedy. 

If you recall, Newtown is where Sandy Hook Elementary is, which was the worst school massacre in American history. 

The campaign has developed the Five Signs, which is a simple way to help us all be more observant towards the plight of those we are in community with. Noticing these signs can help deter the severe consequences of someone who becomes mentally and/or emotionally unstable.

The Five Signs and the description from The Campaign to Change Direction for each are as follows:

Personality Change 
Their personality changes. You may notice sudden or gradual changes in the way that someone typically behaves. He or she may behave in ways that don't seem to fit the person's values, or the person may just seem different. 

Agitated 
They seem uncharacteristically angry, anxious, agitated, or moody. You may notice the person has more frequent problems controlling his or her temper and seems irritable or unable to calm down. People in more extreme situations of this kind may be unable to sleep or may explode in anger at a minor problem.

Withdrawal 
They withdraw or isolate themselves from other people. Someone who used to be socially engaged may pull away from family and friends and stop taking part in activities he or she used to enjoy. In more severe cases the person may start failing to make it to work or school. Not to be confused with the behavior of someone who is more introverted, this sign is marked by a change in someone's typical sociability, as when someone pulls away from the social support he or she typically has. 

Poor Self-Care 
You may notice a change in the person's level of personal care or an act of poor judgment. For instance, someone may let personal hygiene deteriorate, or the person may start abusing alcohol or illicit substances or engaging in other self destructive behavior that may alienate loved ones.

Hopeless
They seem overcome with hopelessness and overwhelmed by their circumstances. Have you noticed someone who used to be optimistic and now can’t find anything to be hopeful about? That person may be suffering from extreme or prolonged grief, or feelings of worthlessness or guilt. People in this situation may say that the world would be better off without them, suggesting suicidal thinking.

Let’s be honest: many of us walk the other way at such signs because we don’t want to create an issue if one doesn’t really exist. Yes, perhaps we get burned by reaching out to a brother who is showing these signs but it’s related to something else, or they are in denial about them. We might be judged as intrusive and it could impact the friendship we have with this person. 

But the consequences of inaction are far worse. 

Should they get mad, here is an easy retort: “I’m your brother/sister dammit, and checking in on you is my job.”

Knowing the signs is one thing, but then what? Very likely you are not a trained counselor or therapist, and you should NEVER try to be. Be with them and supportive of them as you help them find a professional who can help. If you are reading this from a college campus, stop right now and look up where you counseling center is located. Here are some helpful hotlines as well.

How much different could our history and current situations be if more people were willing to fight through the fear of reaching out and more willing to have the vulnerability to throw themselves in front of a person who is traveling a dangerous path and say “I love you and I’m not going to let you go there.” 

Thank you to the Campaign to Change Direction for bringing attention to this issue. I’m sure they would welcome a national fraternity/sorority (or several) to their list of sponsoring organizations. Mental health, depression, suicide, and all associated issues are all significantly prevalent in today’s fraternity and sorority. One of the outcomes of tragedy is that it tends to wake us up.

This is a call for all of us to stay awake this time, and truly discover what it means to help each other. 

STOP THE DRAMA: 7 questions that can help leaders disengage from the distracting drama that pulls them off their priorities

The top elected leaders of membership organizations often must contend with many unseen and unexpected challenges during their term in office.  From a leadership standpoint, there is one challenge that can consume a leader and force him/her away from goals and priorities. Drama.

Yep, drama. It can grab a chapter, council, or national president by the ear and spin him or her around.  Drama, if left unchecked, can define the tone and tenor of a leader’s term. It can spread like fire, especially since we, as leaders, tend to actively add accelerants.

What is drama?  Within the context of organizational leadership, drama can best be defined as a personal and emotionally-driven issue or agenda that one person desires to expand beyond him or herself.  And the elected leaders of the organization stand in position to be the perfect conduit by which to scale up the drama.

Practically, drama can appear in any of these ways:

• Personal animosities, and trying to turn one side against the other.
• Rumors, gossip, and hearsay.
• Trying to give a personal opinion more weight than it deserves.
• Complaints against other leaders or staff.

Now each of the above can appear in productive ways too.  For example, if a member has an opinion he wants to have heard, then speaking up at a chapter meeting or executive officer meeting is an effective way for it to be expressed.  There should also be structured ways to give more critical complaints.  These things become drama when an individual tries to use a personal relationship with a particular leader to advance his or her singular agenda.  The president gets pulled aside after a meeting, or gets stopped in the hallway, or is cornered at a convention.  It could also come via social media or email.

And it’s very difficult for the president to not want to listen, to help, and to support the person talking to them in that moment.

But there is a very important realization that mature leaders discover, and it stands opposite to what we have always understood elected leadership to mean: you are not the leader of the people.  It is not your job to hear and react to each and every individual need, and trying to do so most often leads to ineffective results for all parties.  Rather, the mature view on this is that elected leaders have a clearly defined role as stated in your governing documents, and “staying in your lane” is often the best service you can give to the organization and yourself.  If I read your bylaws, it probably says that you are responsible for the overall strategic direction of the organization, lead the officer team towards those ends, and represent the organization to the external public.  It likely doesn’t say that you should spend hours listening to a disgruntled senior complain about the location for this year’s formal.

Trying to be an individual champion to member needs can be noble, but can also be self-serving.  It may allow you appear to be egalitarian and responsive, but at the expense of effective and efficient results for those who need help.  It can distract you and take you away from your priorities.  And it only fuels the drama.

You weren’t elected or chosen so that you can devote your precious energy to small things or things that are others’ responsibilities. You were chosen to lead on the big things, to set direction, to devise strategies, to achieve vision. 

If you aren’t careful, you’ll be standing at the end of your term looking back at small and endless bouts with drama instead of the lofty organizational progress you desired.

Those leaders that draw drama tend to be those that (a) feel that as a leader they should be capable of solving all problems, (b) are self-centered in that they don't believe others can be more capable than them, (c) have an extraordinary desire to be liked, and (d) are drama producers and enthusiasts themselves.

So what do you do? Do you completely isolate yourself in fear of being absorbed with drama and individual needs?  That’s impossible.  Instead, you need to be discerning and thoughtful with how you respond.  Below is a checklist of questions to ask yourself to decide if a personal need is a legitimate use of your valuable and focused time as a leader, or is just drama waiting to be unleashed:

1. Is this my concern and does it truly deserve my attention?  This is a fundamental question. Remember, stay in your lane.  Sub-questions would be (a) will solving this situation help me perform my role more effectively, (b) will it reduce (not increase) my workload, and (c) can be justified in terms of my vision, goals, and priorities?
2. Can I see this issue being solved more quickly, easily, and effectively by someone else? For those alumni leaders reading this, often we want to solve problems for others instead of turn to our paid professional staff.  Yet, the staff can handle it and our interference will likely cause an unnecessary duplication of service.
3. If I choose to intervene, could my involvement be disruptive or disrespectful to someone else? If you, as the top elected leader, involve yourself in a situation that really belongs to someone else, it can erode trust and the sense of teamwork among your leadership team.
4. If I choose to intervene, would my involvement likely take my focus away from other things? Be realistic. There is only so much time and energy in a day, and in an officer term. What will you need to sacrifice in order to champion this more personal need?
5. What is the most definitive response I can give at this moment?  One of the worst answers you can give is “I will look into it for you.” While it passes off the concern temporarily, it means you’ve taken it on as a project.  Try to be definitive and say things like “you need to contact [name]” or “I don’t have the bandwidth to take this on, but perhaps the next president can” or…get ready for it…”No, I’m sorry but I can’t make that a priority right now.” 
6. If this is a complaint, am I being objective?  The drama-producer wants nothing more than you to validate their concern. Try to remain neutral so that you don’t inadvertently throw a fellow leader or staff member under the bus.
7. If this is a new idea, am I being measured and not making promises? If someone is invested in an idea, and they hear from the top elected leader that it’s good, or will work, or can work, or any version of the same, he/she will latch on to that as a solid commitment. Some good responses include “I’ll take time to give that more consideration” or “I’ll give some thought to how that fits into our goals and priorities.” Of course, see number 6 above. If you don’t see the idea panning out, don’t lead the person on.

A quick caveat: a complaint or concern that levies a very serious charge or accusation against a person should be addressed.  For instance, if you hear gossip that someone is stealing from the organization, or abusing his/her position, or doing something else illegal, then it’s your obligation to investigate.  

But for most issues, you can actively steer away from the drama by asking good questions of yourself and being appropriately locked into your role and responsibilities.  Drama is an untamed beast, and the more you feed it, the more it will want to consume you. Stay above the drama and lead.

The Manning Fraternity

“I don’t like the perception that it was a plan…that I was an NFL quarterback for a while and now I’ve got these boys and I’m going to mold them into being NFL quarterbacks. Not so. You might can do [sic] that. And they might can be [sic] an NFL quarterback. I’m not sure you’re going to have a good father-son relationship. That’s what I wanted.” - Archie Manning 

I’ve always been intrigued by the Manning family, which is likely the most significant family in football if not all of professional sports. As an Indianapolis resident, I’m naturally a Peyton Manning guy. Not only do I admire the way he approaches football, but life as well. My kids have received treatment at a childrens’ hospital that bears his name for goodness sake. While I don't root for Eli as much, you have to respect him for winning as many Super Bowls as his more famous bigger brother. 

What is most intriguing to me is the family dynamic itself, starting with parents Archie and Olivia. As parents raising three boys, my wife and I were interested to watch the documentary The Book of Manning on ESPN which details how this family yielded three athletic, successful, and accomplished men (Cooper was a great football player too but a disorder called spinal stenosis caused him to give it up in college). Even more than football, the Mannings have always projected a high degree of character and humility in all they do. They were great kids that became great men and as such, they had great parents.

Essentially, if the Mannings were a fraternity on your campus, they’d be almost everything we’d want in our Greek organizations.  (Archie is a Sigma Nu and Olivia is a Delta Gamma, by the way).

With that as the theme, what might the core values and principles of a Manning Fraternity be, and hence, lessons we can absorb?

1. Relationships Are More Important Than Football.

“I think what I miss most about football is the guys. Not winning or losing or catching touchdowns. It was the locker room, and the bus rides home. That was the good stuff." -Cooper Manning

One thing is evident in story of the Manning family - to be a quality person meant being able to build quality relationships. Whether it was with family, teammates, friends, and others, a focus on personal success meant nothing if you burnt bridges along the way. The Mannings raised their boys to be good teammates, friends, and brothers to each other.

In fraternity, there is nothing more important than the relationships you build. And like a family. those relationships are glued together by shared values. It’s what makes brotherhood and sisterhood truly unique concepts and transcendent from friendship. If you are a high achiever in fraternity and are seeking positional leadership, awards, and recognition, by all means go do it! But, remember that positions end, awards collect dust on the wall, and recognition is easily forgotten. Relationships remain, and last a lifetime. 

2. If we devote quality time to each other, we all grow stronger.

Archie Manning became a father while he was still an NFL QB (for a terrible Saints team that never had a winning season in Archie’s tenure despite him being a pro bowler himself). He would take the kids to the locker room, not to expose them to football only, but to be able to spend time with them. Archie’s relationship with his father was not very close and so he made it a point to be a present and attentive father to his children. Time matters. Not just the quantity of it, but the quality as well.

As a fraternity man or sorority woman, you have been given a gift. You get to ride your undergraduate college years in a vehicle like no other. This vehicle is not built only for you - but for all those brothers and sisters around you. The trip will be wasted if you don’t stop to take the time to truly get to know your fellow riders, find out what makes them tick, learn from their life stories, and build bonds that can help sustain you during the rocky times.

3. Embrace the differences in each person.

Each of the Manning kids had a different personality. Cooper loved to have fun, Peyton was very driven and serious, and Eli was independent and laid back. Each of those qualities came to be a hallmark of each person later in life. And having three different children with different personality styles is a challenge for a parent. Each one requires a different type of communication style, different approaches to feedback, and is motivated by different things. 

And then consider one of the most interesting parts of the Manning family story: Cooper. If not for spinal stenosis, Cooper could be a star in the NFL too. But he isn’t. Hardly anyone knows his name. His siblings have achieved the pinnacle of success in their professions and their parents have been photographed, filmed, and interviewed at every step along the way. In some families, this could have made the other brother bitter or resentful. It might have led to a breakdowns in the parent-child relationship. But because the Mannings viewed football as less important than relationships and character, and actually lived that way, you’d find no bigger fan of his brothers than Cooper. And while not famous, he’s just as big of a success in his profession and at home, with three children of his own (and one named Arch).

If your prime criterion of a good person is their character, then the other stuff stops mattering as much. Embrace the fantastic differences in personality, social styles, interests, and career paths that your fraternity contains. Don’t judge those things negatively or place false levels of importance on them. Enjoy them for the rich tapestry they create.  As life goes on, you’ll learn that such opportunities to be with so many different types of people won’t always be as easy to come by, and you'll miss it.

4. If you’re going to sign up for something, go all out for it.

“My dad’s rule was that if you’re going to sign up for something, you had to stay with it, no matter what it was.” - Peyton Manning

There is a great scene in the documentary when Peyton recounts a time in high school when he signed up for musical theater in order to avoid another class. Turns out he needed then to perform in the school play, and Peyton decided if he must, he might as well do his very best. Watch the movie to see Peyton do a fairly impressive tango.

It’s too bad that this kind of attitude doesn’t permeate our chapters. If it did, we wouldn’t struggle with member apathy as much as we do. However, it can certainly permeate your experience. You can personally decide to give as much as possible, and take as much as possible from your undergraduate experience. Since fraternity is a lifelong commitment, it also means to do as much as you can to be a contributing alumnus. For whatever reason, you signed up for this, so give it your all. As the Outward Bound maxim states, “if you can’t get out of it, then get into it!”

5. Common pursuits bring us closer together.

Cooper (the oldest) and Peyton has a fairly standard brother relationship as children - somewhat close and somewhat distant. There was a fair amount of rivalry and fighting. As a father to sons, I see it all the time. The boys can move from moments of pure love to pure hatred in the blink of an eye. In the end, brothers try to stake their own identities and thus, can lose the closeness they had in younger years. It's shared experiences that brings it back.

What brought Cooper and Peyton together in an irreversible way was the opportunity for them to play football together. When Peyton was a sophomore, he was the starting QB and Cooper was the senior star receiver. They made each other better and that shared experience overwhelmed any personal animosities or histories they may have had.

In fraternity, your Ritual, your creed, and any other expression of your organizational values are the shared experiences that should overwhelm any personal issues you may have. There are going to be fights, and disagreements, and hurt feelings in any human endeavor - especially one so based on relationships. What causes a fraternity or family to survive those things is the strength of the shared experience. The more you remind the members of the oaths and obligations they have all subscribed to, the more likely they are to get past the petty stuff. 

6. Be accountable for your actions.

In the film, Peyton recalls a time in high school when he wasn’t the most coachable kid. He always felt he knew how to do it better than the coaches and even one time told a coach that they lost because of him. Instead of siding with his all-star son, Archie drove Peyton to the coach’s house that night to make him apologize.

In your fraternity, what happens when a brother steps out of line? And not only those times when he might break a law or do something blatantly unethical - but also those times when he isn’t acting as his best self. Are you there to “drive” him back to the right choice? It’s easier to ignore the behavior, or even justify it, but easier choices never built stronger men or women.

Those would be, from what I’ve learned, the cardinal principles in the Fraternity of Manning. There are many other individual qualities the Mannings possess that we could discuss. Peyton is legendary for his level of preparation. Eli is well known for how calm under pressure he is. Archie and Olivia were so humble that they would dress incognito and take seats amongst the regular fans so as not to be a distraction away from whichever son was playing on the field.

They aren’t perfect. The documentary focused on their best qualities as a family, and surely there was struggles and hard times and controversy that we'll never know about.

And you might notice how little this article has focused on the game of football. I believe that the Mannings are successful because the game was always just a vehicle through which they could express the best versions of themselves. It’s where the character instilled in them by their parents and other relationships was actually put to the test. Their character only grew stronger by the lessons they could draw from the experience of football.

And isn’t that what fraternity can be for you? 

The One Solution for Fraternity Problems That May Make the Most Difference But Won’t Ever Be Considered

The recent rash of incidents that have put fraternities (and sororities, but fraternities mostly) in a very negative light have spurred commissions, committees, and conversations to formulate solutions. There are also ideas coming from other corners such as professional associations, blogs like this one, and white papers from…well…whoever writes white papers. 

Most of the problems we face are not new and most of the solutions we’ll likely hear from blue-ribbon panels won’t be either. The “9 Basic Expectations of Fraternity Membership” offered by the North American Interfraternity Conference (NIC) in the 90’s and the Standards the NIC championed in the last decade have been attempted solutions. The lineup of speakers and sessions at every Association of Fraternity Advisors meeting in the last 30 years has offered various ideas towards solving pervasive issues such as hazing, alcohol, and sexual assault. 

In short, there is no shortage of ideas. Perhaps there is a shortage of will to implement the ideas…but I digress. 

In all of the recommendations that emerge, we’ll probably hear versions of what we’ve heard before: shorter pledge periods, more hands-on advising, increased alumni involvement, and a menu of things that should be alcohol-free forever more. Including housing. 

Alcohol-free housing is one of the boldest change initiatives in recent memory. Phi Delta Theta has been the biggest champion of alcohol-free housing, and I’ve got to give credit where credit is due. Phi Delt has probably had pressure and many reasons to pull back and change their mind – but they have been absolutely steadfast in their belief that alcohol-free housing can change their culture. It’s not perfect, but it’s been a “wow” move in a sea of “blah.” 

But it’s not enough. 

There is one idea that I guarantee won’t come out of any commission or committee, in particular from the NIC side of things. This is an idea that I believe could present the biggest sea change for the fraternity movement and move the needle like never before. While you might hear about alcohol-free housing, what about a bolder move that could forever change our fortunes as fraternities? 

No housing. 

What if the NIC or FEA or any other acronym associated with Greek life declared that it wanted to begin a transition out of the housing business? At least the privately owned or independently-operated houses. Now we’re talking! In a sea of “blah” that one would be an “OMG!”

And a reminder – when I first broached this topic, I shared that my undergraduate fraternity experience included 3 years of living in a house. It was a blast. But, for a sustainable future, houses seem unnecessary to me. I’m convinced I would be as committed to fraternity as I am today without the house experience. 

Imagine if fraternity houses no longer existed on campuses across the land… 

• The amount of money, time, and energy spent into keeping a structure standing and full could be spent on education, scholarships, funding for national conferences, and more. 
• No more tragic house fires. 
• No more falls from fraternity house balconies. 
• No more part-time underpaid and under-prepared graduate assistant live-in advisors trying to be professional hall directors. 
• Chapter officers could focus on improving the member experience and forget about occupancy rates, cleaning, furniture, and keeping a kitchen staff happy. 
• We can finally end our draining 10-year dance in Washington DC trying to get Senators excited about sprinkler systems. 

Of course, there would be some trade-offs. Fraternity houses are great for recruitment because they are visible and (usually) impressive displays that potential members can see. It’s naturally convenient to have events and meetings in a house – although that can be overcome and has been by groups that use a lodge concept or just get meeting space on campus. Friendship is more easily built when living under the same roof, but can also happen otherwise. Ask those fraternities who have no housing right now and they’d put their “brotherhood building” up against yours any day. 

Would this make us just like any other campus club? Only if you believe housing matters more than the Ritual. 

So why would this be a game changer? I don’t have the research (great idea for a thesis or dissertation), but conventional wisdom leads me to believe that the vast majority of negative incidents that result in tragedy, big headlines, and calls to vanquish Greek life altogether involve a housed group. Think about recent transgressions at Old Dominion, the University of South Carolina, and West Virginia. Sexual assaults, hazing, deaths or harmful incidents with alcohol appear to be more prevalent in Greek housing. 

Reality check for me – those things can still happen and do still happen in non-housed groups and on campuses without Greek housing. NPHC groups typically do not have houses and hazing is a big issue they are confronting. The recent news from Baruch College didn’t involve housing. 

But if we solve the issues on the campuses with housed organizations – which tend to be larger or historically more influential in the Greek world – could a ripple effect be realized? We can launch campaigns to change the hearts and minds of members so that they embrace the best of what we can be instead of the worst. We’ve actually been doing that over and over again for decades. But if fraternity houses and the issues they carry inside their walls continue, is that a playing field on which we can’t expect our players to do their best? 

Imagine the previous 20 years without houses. Or the next 20 years. Is that a landscape on which a brighter future for Greek life can be built? 

Campus professionals – imagine that !poof! the chapters on your campus no longer have private houses. Could that make room for you to do more of the inspiring work you want to do? 

Headquarters staff – image that !poof! your chapters now have no residential facilities. How does that impact your insurance fees? What would you love to do with the time and money you get back from not dealing with those issues? 

Despite what could be some exciting possibilities, chances are we won’t be discussing that kind of change anytime soon. Houses are sacred cows for too many. This is unfortunate, because it’s hard to imagine any meaningful change if that topic stays off the table. 

But hey – maybe shorter pledge periods will do the trick.