Fraternity and Freedom

I’ve heard it said that when America was formed, it was held as a grand experiment in man’s ability to govern himself.  Models of self-government were mostly theoretical at the time, and so this country became the first to really test that idea.  Although there have been many stumbles along the way, I think the experiment has worked pretty well.

I’ll let the politicians and pundits debate whether or not we’re drifting closer to, or further away, from that ideal.

Nonetheless, if America can be judged as an experiment in self-government, then I believe that the American fraternity or sorority can be judged as the same - albeit on a smaller level.  Our earliest forms were established by men and women without the permission of the colleges they were attending.  Back then, students did not have to submit paperwork to a campus office in order to gain “recognition.”  If they felt something was important enough to establish, then they went forward without apologies.  Now, it’s fair to say that our earliest groups also didn’t want or expect anything from the colleges.  We weren’t looking to compliment the mission of those institutions back then.  We wanted to be left alone.  We wanted to govern ourselves.  That spirit remains, but is being challenged.

I wrote an essay once that argued that fraternities and sororities (and thus their members) have defiance in their DNA.  There is a natural and embedded distrust between the fraternity man and his/her national headquarters and/or campus Greek Life office.  That goes all the way back to our founding.  And it’s proper to be skeptical of the institutions to which we are connected.

I believe that one of the chief reasons for the longevity of the fraternity/sorority movement is the spirit of self-government.  Not only have our organizations been a place for young people to find enduring friendships, service opportunities, academic support, and great memories - they have also been a place for young people to find freedom.  

Freedom and self-governance go together.

The benefits of self-governance can be profound.  Our society needs more individuals who can act upon their convictions, who will question authority when necessary, and who can simply manage their own problems and concerns.  Our world needs the strength that comes from individuals who are unwilling to let others control their destiny.  Self-government creates personal responsibility and nobody I know thinks we have enough of that in our world today.  

And so, we arrive at yet another reason why the fraternity and sorority is an absolutely relevant organization today: we create generations of responsible citizens through the practice of self-governance.  Our society should be cheering our ability to inspire young people to contribute more than they take.

Yet, we are not embracing this.  Because, we are not embracing self-governance.

Is fraternity/sorority self-governance under attack?  Possibly.  Colleges and universities seem to be laying out more and more requirements on student organizations.  Think about the following trends and developments, which many of you will see as progress.  When viewed through a lens of self-governance, and all the benefits of that principle, maybe that assessment should be reconsidered:

• Colleges/Universities choosing to move fraternity and sorority dwellings on-campus, in new facilities that can be managed by the institution.
• More requirements on groups with housing needing to have live-in advisors.
• Headquarters and universities requiring reports on minimum expectations/criteria to be recognized.
• Academic requirements for members to affiliate or organizations to be recognized.
• Service hour requirements from HQ or the university.
• More and more mandates on when a person can join, when they can live in the house, etc.

In an era when the relationship between universities and fraternities is more seamless than ever, it can be justified that colleges and universities have the right to do all of the things mentioned above.  However, for the sake of student learning, efficacy, and empowerment, justifying that they should do these things is not as easy.

Just because fraternities and sororities have allowed entities such as their headquarters and campuses to exert more control over their destiny doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do.  In my opinion, it certainly cannot be described as progress.

We were meant be organizations that allowed young people a chance to build something together. They were able to learn from experience, achievements, and mistakes. Now, we are trying to build the experience for them and asking them to just ride along. 

For professionals who work in this industry - we were all once collegiate members.  We likely learned tremendous life skills from the autonomy of that experience.  I invite you to wonder (as I have on many occasions) why then we spend so much of our time now thinking about ways to limit that autonomy? How many of us quickly jump to policy when trying to solve an issue?  How many of us have spent a Friday night driving around Greek row looking for rule-breaking behavior? 

Comparisons between a campus chess club and a college fraternity are often made in jest and as a way to show to unique significance of the fraternity/sorority experience.  If we’re not careful, the day when the chess club has more self-governance to speak of than we do, is not too far away.

 

Justifying Fraternity

I have chosen fraternity.

Part of living in a free society is the opportunity to make choices. Many other nations in our world take choices away from their citizens. In America, we add new choices every day. New things to do, new things to see, new things to read, new things to eat, new ways to live. I made a choice 10 years ago, which I have never regretted – the choice to be a fraternity man.

Because it is a choice, we should not disparage those who make a different choice. It’s their right. We should not judge them for the choice they made. However, we also should not sit idly by and allow them to judge us for our choice. It is perfectly acceptable to justify our choice – loudly and proudly if need be.

We each have our own justifications for why we chose to join. Perhaps, at this point, you don’t know why. That’s okay. I was that way myself, especially at the start. When I was a freshman, I wanted to take a long and fulfilling ride through my 4 years of undergraduate education. A fraternity seemed like the best vehicle for that ride – but I wasn’t sure why at the time.

By justifying the choices we make in life, our life becomes clearer. There are sound reasons why we make every choice – although some of those reasons may be hidden until we are ready to see them. As a new father, I sometimes try to remember my motivation for becoming a parent in the first place. It just seemed like a natural thing to do. Now that I have a child, I never want to go back to my life before him. Parenthood has provided me with an opportunity for legacy that can’t be found anywhere else. I wasn’t ready to understand that until I held him for the first time.

As I reflect on my fraternal experience, I have also discovered and rediscovered the reasons why I made this choice. My decision to join a fraternity becomes clearer and more convincing each day. Perhaps you can’t justify your reasons for joining a fraternity. I can.

Many people make a choice for safety. They want to live free from controversy, conflict, or debate. I chose fraternity, and welcomed these things into my life.

Some choose to avoid scrutiny and accountability. They want to go unnoticed. I chose fraternity – I want you to see me. I want my accomplishments to be felt.

Some people want their lives to be orderly, formulaic, and easily navigated. I opted for the emotional chaos that comes from a group of young men trying to pull together. I chose fraternity.

There are those who treat leadership as theoretical, relying on books by experts and seeking inspiration from heroes. I participated in a service project, set an agenda, approved a budget, intervened in a quarrel between brothers, led a meeting, and stood up to an older member who was slamming an empty keg into the fraternity house doors – all in the same day. I chose leadership that's real. I chose fraternity.

Some people like to think about moral dilemmas and discover their values through reflection. I chose fraternity – and tested my values day and night.

Many are forced to be in environments where mistakes cannot be made and learned from. I thank goodness for choosing fraternity – and getting myself into many mistakes.

Some want to always follow the rules and abide by authority. I chose fraternity, and learned that some of the most beautiful achievements come through defiance.

Many believe that “men’s only” organizations are antiquated and offer nothing to our society. I unlocked brotherhood, and all the unexplainable tears, cheers, hugs, and laughter it provides. I chose fraternity.

Live and let live. I will not judge someone for their choices in life – it’s the reasons behind them that can be investigated. Stand up for your choices. Discover the hidden reasons behind them.

I hope that you make choices in life that make you stronger and help give your life more meaning that it might otherwise have had. Whether by chance, luck, or destiny, I did.

I chose fraternity.

Reality Fraternity

I am a fan of reality TV for two primary reasons: (1) as an observer of human nature it’s fun to watch some of these shows as a social experiment, and (2) escapist trashy TV can be fun.

My wife likes The Bachelor, and every once in a while I’ll catch some of it out of the corner of my eye as I’m passing through the ro...ahh...I admit I love it too. It’s good TV. Lots of drama, heroes, villains, and suspense. Don’t judge.

The interesting thing about The Bachelor is that the relationships formed on the show rarely work out. Most crash and burn. But, it’s very obvious as to why. When the "bachelor" and his female suitors go on dates on the show, it’s the stuff of romantic fantasies. Helicopter rides. Dining on rooftops. Walks on the world’s best beaches. Floating on yachts under tropical sun. Everything is hyper-romantic and simply perfect. And then, the season ends with a hilltop proposal and dancing until the sun comes up.

A few months later, the perfect couple shows up again to reveal their status, and you can tell from their faces that it has gone South. A big dramatic breakup typically comes shortly thereafter.

The show creates impossible expectations for a romantic relationship. Anyone who has been in a marriage or long-term partnership knows that it’s tough work sometimes. There are no helicopter rides or moonlit dinners. Those are replaced by the stuff of regular life. It doesn’t mean that romance isn’t there - you just have to dig through reality to find it.

Perhaps there are lessons for fraternities here, especially in regards to how we promote and present ourselves to potential members. Do we oversell the fraternity experience and our own organizations?

I remember recruitment when I was an undergrad. Every fraternity I met with claimed the best parties, and the strongest brotherhood. Each one had the best house, greatest alums, and the tastiest food. Strangely, each group had also won the previous year’s Greek Week (must have been a 15-chapter tie). There was no shortage of trophies and awards to display.

And what about the chapters that rely on big splashy events for recruitment? They take recruits to amusement parks, sporting events, or turn their chapter houses into a Hooters franchise. Just like The Bachelor paints love as wine and roses every day, these fraternities are painting a picture that fraternity life is a constant party.
 
We have an apathy problem in fraternities and sororities. We also have a lot of dropouts. I wonder if some of that can be attributed to the mismatch of expectations and reality. If we create a lofty vision of the fraternity experience, but don’t deliver, why should we be surprised that people break up with us? And what's more, we're likely not attracting the right members by selling the superficial aspects. We get the party-lovers and then expect them to roll up their sleeves and work.

It’s about being authentic. Represent yourself honestly, and you may be surprised by what you get in return. Perhaps if The Bachelor had a few episodes when the couples had to live for a few hours in a house with a screaming baby, or got lost on a stressful drive together, they might be better prepared. Perhaps if you weren’t shy about your faults as a fraternity, your new members would more likely embrace the experience. Maybe your recruitment pitch should sound something more like this:

I want you to be a member of this fraternity. But before you decide, there are some things you need to know. We have a strong brotherhood, but not because we’re always laughing and having fun. We fight sometimes. We argue. We disagree with each other a lot. We are a strong brotherhood because we work through those things.

You won’t like every guy in here. Some you may actually dislike a lot. But I can say with great confidence that there are a few future groomsmen and best friends in here as well.

We win Greek Week sometimes. We lose more often. Same with intramurals and homecoming competitions. We don’t have as many trophies as the other guys, but I think we play a little harder.

You’ll need to work. This house doesn’t clean itself. There aren’t elves who show up in the middle of the night and cut the grass. We do those things. There will be dozens of times in which the state of this house will piss you off. There are other times when you’ll be too lazy to do your duties, and that will piss us off.

Many of these guys will let you down. They’ll make stupid decisions and leave you hanging. Many of us will disappoint you from time to time. You may want to quit. Or punch someone.

But, if you find the lessons in each of those moments, you’ll be better. If you learn understanding, then you’re on your way to mastering the greatest of leadership skills. If you can learn to hold people accountable without being a jerk, then people will want to work for you some day.

There may be a fraternity up the street that has only perfect parties, perfect meetings, and perfect sorority relations. But perfect isn’t a very good teacher. And, it’s an illusion anyway.

If you’re willing to be vulnerable, to make mistakes, and to work hard, then you are well-suited to be in this fraternity. Being a fraternity man isn’t easy, but nothing worthwhile in life ever is. Just because we may not be the ideal fraternity doesn’t mean that signing this bid card won’t be the best decision of your life.

And besides, if we were perfect, then we wouldn’t need you to make us better.

Highs and lows. Joy and conflict. Success and disappointment. Terribly frustrating and tremendously fulfilling.

That’s the reality.

We Are Choking the Entrepreneurial Spirit Out of Fraternity

When Ernesto Sirolli was a young man living in his native Italy, he wanted to help people and to make a difference. As part of delegation from a charitable organization, Ernesto traveled to Zambia on the continent of Africa. Their mission was to help the poor in Zambia in transformative and long-lasting ways. When Ernesto and team arrived to a village, they noticed an amazing amount of fertile land along the Zambezi River that was not being used for agriculture. Perplexed by this, and sensing a potential gamechanger, they told they Zambian people that they should use the land for farming, grow food that could sustain their people and could also be sold, and forever alter their destinies. They showed the villagers how to plant and raise tomatoes. Strangely, the Zambian people did not have much interest in these new lifesaving plans, but Ernesto and his fellow Italians would even pay them to help work the fields so that they could see the value in this agriculture. Sure enough, the fertile land bore tremendous results – large beautiful tomatoes.

One night, when the tomatoes were at their ripest and best state, 200 hippos emerged from the river and ate them all. The Italians were taken aback and shocked and told the villagers what had happened. The Zambians responded that yes, the hippos would do that, and that’s why they had no agriculture in their village.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” the Italians exclaimed. “You never asked,” was their reply.

Ernesto relays this tell in a much more eloquent fashion is his TED Talk and in his book, Ripples from Zambezi. The point he derives from this story, and that I wish to derive as well, is that too often we force our own solutions on people instead of listening for the solutions they wish to explore. Human history is fraught with noble-minded but tragic results of a central controlling force trying to impose structure on an indigenous people.

Ernesto’s larger point is that if you want to help people improve their situation, you need to foster entrepreneurship at the local level. That means showing up to listen, with no agenda and no preconceived ideas. You then support the entrepreneurs in their own ideas and their own vision.

I feel this is a message we need to hear in fraternity and sorority life in 2019.

Fraternity started as an entrepreneurial and grassroots solution to a problem on the campuses of the day: the lack of free expression. A society of men (or women) wasn’t necessarily revolutionary, but to build it secretly and cautiously on a heavily-controlled environment, such as a college in the 1800’s, was as risky and daring as starting a new business or enterprise.

Somewhere along the line, it flipped from being a grassroots movement to a top-down one, heavy with requirements, policies, structures, and the “one right way to do things.” I believe this is based on the fear of losing  something all of us love. But in that fear, we have sought to control. 

We structure it all. Rush/recruitment. New Member Education. Officer training. Meeting agendas. What we wear and how we wear it.

Some of this was for the sake of efficiency.  But what have we lost in that effort?

In fraternity today, we have a dearth of entrepreneurship.

Our heavily-resourced national offices (seemingly growing in bloat the way centralized governments do) are inventing programs and educational resources for their chapters on a daily basis, often relying on the intelligence of the people in the room but almost no input from the local level. And thus, we build and brand a fancy program called “How to Grow Tomatoes” and ship it off to our Zambias. And from there on out, we fight fires based on the fact our Zambians can’t grow tomatoes like we expect them to.

We talk a lot about campus culture in fraternity and sorority life. But we do so with an eye towards controlling it, and fitting it into a package we’ve already designed (from hundreds of miles away). Rarely do we talk about it in a celebratory fashion. For us it seems that unique cultures are something to be dealt with, not embraced. Grow these tomatoes, dammit.

When we need to do things like redesign a new member education program, we bring forward a commission to sit in a room and figure it out. We rarely listen to our chapters when developing new solutions, or stop to consider that the different cultures in which they operate could mean a need for multiple localized solutions.

Ernesto describes two ways Western cultures approach other societies: we either patronize them, or are paternalistic. To patronize means to treat them as servants; to be paternalistic is to treat them like they are your children. How often do we do that to our chapters, and in a world of increasing innovation, force them to do what that commission decided was best?

Campuses are quick to do this as well. Consider the growing movement to rate chapters based on a campus scorecard, with often arbitrary measures. That’s us telling an indigenous group that we know best how they should do fraternity and if they don’t fit within that structure, they deserve the fate of an outcast. Consider how arrogant (albeit well-intentioned) that sounds.

What if we tried something different. Take for example new member education programs. Instead of that commission or committee, what if instead we told our chapters that for one year, they could do anything they want for new member education. In the end, the goal is for the new members to be adequately prepared for membership, but the process is entirely up to them. Of course, hazing is illegal and can’t be utilized, but otherwise have at it!

Does that make your palms sweat? I admit, mine too.

But think about what creativity might emerge if 100+ chapters were empowered to customize new member education. At the end of that year, you invite the chapters to share what really worked and what didn’t. You listen, and then you share back the best ideas you heard.

Is it risky? Yes. But could yield a high reward. Think about all the other functions of fraternity life we dictate from the top, and what could happen if we unleashed entrepreneurship.

Is the role of the fraternity/sorority national office to create solutions to make fraternity chapters as strong as possible, or to empower chapters to discover their own strength? Patronize or Serve?

I guess it comes down to you answering a fundamental question for yourself: are you willing to let exist different ways to experience and do fraternity, or is there only one right way?

Respect the undergraduates for the entrepreneurial spirit they can possess. And listen to them, for they will tell you about the hippos in the river.

A Knock on the Fraternity House Door

Hi, good evening.  

I don't know if I'm in the right place.  

I'm wondering if you might be looking for new members?  

Before we discuss it, I need to tell you some things about me...

My parents are divorced, and I feel forgotten.

My parents are both dead, and I’ve never really felt at home anywhere.

I’m lost.

I’m gay.  Or, I might be.  I don’t know.

I don’t know who I am.

I am poor.

I am rich.

  I come from a different country, with customs you’d think are odd.

People always stare at this. 

But it doesn't slow me down.

I’ve supported my siblings since I was twelve.

I’m ready to lead, but I don’t know how.

I don’t like my body.

Sometimes I feel empty.

I’ve always been in the minority.

Most people ignore me.

I act tough to hide my insecurities.

I’m a recovering alcoholic.

I walk funny.

I’m paying for my own tuition.

I’ve never had to pay for anything.

I stopped using drugs last year.

I’m a Republican.

I’m a Democrat.

Nobody has ever told me that I matter.

I’m battling HIV.

My clothes are from a thrift store.

My mom never told me I was right.

My mom never told me I was wrong.

I’m blind.

I’ve seen things I don’t want to remember.

This thing is for my insulin.

I never show my true feelings.

I used to have hair.

 

I’m scared.

My religion is different than yours.

My teachers told me to be quiet.

My teachers told me to speak up.

I’ve always felt alone.

I’m a parent.

I’ve never experienced "family."

I don’t know what to believe.

I’m ready to build something important.

I’m always running.

I’m always considered different.

And I don’t know what to do next.

So, I guess I'm wondering...


May I come in?

  

Fraternity and the Lasting Power of Connection

In the previous post, I argued that fraternity can be a force for social change, especially around some key social epidemics that we may be primed to solve. I want to explore some of these topics in more depth and argue why fraternity can be an answer. Let’s start with the social epidemic of loneliness.

Look at this alarming data from 2018 study by Cigna: 

• Nearly half of Americans report sometimes or always feeling alone (46 percent) or left out (47 percent). 
• One in four Americans (27 percent) rarely or never feel as though there are people who really understand them. 
• Two in five Americans sometimes or always feel that their relationships are not meaningful (43 percent) and that they are isolated from others (43 percent). 
• One in five people report they rarely or never feel close to people (20 percent) or feel like there are people they can talk to (18 percent). 
• Only around half of Americans (53 percent) have meaningful in-person social interactions, such as having an extended conversation with a friend or spending quality time with family, on a daily basis.

The same study found that Generation Z (adults ages 18-22) is the loneliest generation. These are the young men and women you may have just talked with at formal rush. 

Loneliness is a major issue that has huge health implications. Former U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy says loneliness can be fatal. As quoted in a CBS news story. Dr. Murthy says that "The increased mortality associated with loneliness is equal to the increased mortality we see with smoking 15 cigarettes a day. It's in fact greater than the mortality associated with obesity." 

Dr. Frank McAndrew in Psychology Today argues that “Rejection by others psychologically wounds us more deeply than almost anything else, and research by neuroscientists reveals that ostracism can lead to feeling actual physical pain.” In addition, the amount of stress that loneliness creates can have serious mental health implications. 

But here is an important point: just being in proximity with people does not mean one is not lonely. Dr. Murthy notes that it’s about the quality of “authentic relationships” one has, which may be only a handful. The number of social media followers, for example, does not indicate if someone does or doesn’t experience loneliness. 

So what does this mean for fraternity? How can we be an answer to this epidemic of loneliness? 

The easy answer (and wrong one) is that we simply are clubs made of people and thus we are an easy place to gather and escape loneliness. Remember, it’s about the quality and authenticity of relationships that matter. By all means, we should be as open as possible to individuals who are seeking connection and wanting to live in community with others. But, what matters most is how we foster those connections once our rosters are full. 

Fraternities and sororities are unique on college campuses because we seek to create brotherhood and sisterhood, which TRULY are the types of relationships that fight feelings of isolation and loneliness. Brotherhood and sisterhood is rooted in shared values that we speak and live together. It isn’t based on the fact we occupy the same house, or wear the same letters. It’s based on what we pledged to do together, often while standing shoulder to shoulder. 

It’s those deeper connections that make fraternity and sorority an absolutely relevant institution in modern times. Many clubs based on shared values in our society are fading away (see Rotary, Lions, Kiwanis). And thus, connections outside of your family unit that aren’t rooted in networking or happy hours or other thin experiences are in short supply. 

So, your work is to determine if you would qualify your undergraduate brotherhood or sisterhood experience as a thick and consequential one. Do you observe that members benefit from their connections with each other in social and emotional ways? Here are some questions you could use as you investigate that question: 

• Do members seem more fulfilled by their daily lives and act with purpose and energy? 
• Are they able to fight through stress in a positive way and don’t let difficulties linger? 
• Do members seek out opportunities to interact with each other? 
• Can you observe true moments of connection, such as outreach in times of pain or authentic reactions to positive events? 
• Is your organization free from cliques and bullying that would cause some members to feel isolated?

Beyond undergraduate experiences, could fraternities and sororities help solve the epidemic of loneliness by putting increased emphasis on alumni and how they can reconnect with the values and the brotherhood/sisterhood they once experienced daily? Alumni-focused efforts are largely to support the undergraduate “product” or for fundraising but what about a product just for alumni and just for the purpose of building human connections at a time when we all need it? Things to consider at the national office as you plan for an alumni engagement program. 

Loneliness cannot be eliminated from our society. There are too many contributing factors. But the nature of our organizations - fraternities and sororities - gives us a unique opportunity (I daresay obligation) to do what we can. 

An important point: part of the beauty of the fraternity/sorority experience is the closeness it can provide. And thus, we may be more aware than anyone else about someone’s mental and emotional state. We need to stay observant to signs of struggle (which may look like loneliness, or anger, or stress) and be willing to talk with each other. If you emerge from your fraternity/sorority experience with an increased comfort in talking with a friend about their struggles, then you will have earned a critical skill many people spend a lifetime chasing.

Fraternity as a Force for Social Change

It’s beyond time to change the way we talk and think about fraternities and sororities and their role in our modern times.

Ever since fraternities were founded, their relevance and purpose has been questioned. Because they started as secret societies, formed in opposition to the institutions their members belonged to, fraternities have been under attack and constantly criticized. This causes us to have a reactionary posture in our DNA. To often wait for the incoming fire before we build a shield.

And it also causes us to look internally and be protective. Our question too often is “how do we protect what fraternity is from these forces acting against us” whereas it could be “how do envision what fraternity should be in light of the world we inhabit.”

The calls to shutter our doors and abolish Greek Life will keep coming, especially when the only apparent contributions to society that the public sees are networking to get jobs and the occasional low-level service project. We can be so much more, and it's time to show it.

I have been in the fraternity movement for 25 years, and I have lost count of the number of committees, commissions, blue ribbon panels, studies, and conferences focused on reacting to our greatest ills: hazing, sexual assault, alcohol consumption, inclusiveness, and more. I don’t question the need for such work, and many of the essays in this blog and in my book deal with these same issues. But beware, especially new entrants into this movement, that when you hear someone say that forming a committee or conducting a study to address a longstanding issue is a “bold move,” it’s actually one of the most mundane and redundant things we can undertake.

What would be bold? To go on the offense. To start thinking about and talking about why fraternity matters to our greater society in 2019 and beyond. We need to discuss this and then deliver messages that indicate that we see the world the way it is today, and we want to be part of the solution. There are vast and truly debilitating social epidemics in our culture today; ones that we as fraternities and sororities are primed to solve.

Let’s look at it this way: by sitting in a reactionary posture and thinking that true leadership is only addressing the issues we face internally, we act like a crumbling brick structure. We try to patch, we try to rebuild, but for every brick that we add, 2 or 3 fall to the ground and shatter. We appear to the world like an institution always under fire and thus always trying to shield ourselves from the onslaught, or pretend that we’re not crumbling. But it’s clear to all that our structure is not as tall or sturdy as it once was.

Being proactive means that we need to consider for ourselves what value we want to offer the greater society. Thinking about the value we offer our host colleges and universities is one part of that, but if that's all you think about you aren’t thinking boldly enough. We are a big enough movement to affect life beyond our campus gates.

So let’s appear to the world like an institution that believes it is vitally important to advancing our culture and building stronger communities. Because we are.

While we put some energy towards solving the issues that plague us (such as hazing), we need to run a parallel track that addresses how the fraternity of the 21st century leads in a world that wants and needs cures for catastrophic social epidemics.

What kinds of social epidemics? The list is long and alarming. More Americans indicate they feel lonelier than ever before. Suicide rates are climbing and the rate among teenage girls is the highest it's been in 40 years. 130 people a day die from opioid abuse. People are finding all manners of destructive ways to cope with the lack of connection they feel in their lives.

What else? How about the #metoo movement and the apparent racism that continues to exist in our society? What about sexual violence and gun violence, and violence of all forms? What about the fact that 7000 students drop out of high school each day?

And as a punctuation point, consider that in my home city of Indianapolis, zip codes only 14 miles apart (a 15 minute drive) have differences in life expectancy of 14 years. This isn’t an impoverished or war-torn city. This is a growing Midwestern municipality. This is in America.

Can the fraternity and sorority movement address these social calamities?

Wrong question.

HOW can the fraternity and sorority movement address these social calamities?

Let’s work towards that goal and prove ourselves to be a structure that doesn’t crumble, but rather is adding new layers of impact all the time.

Over the next several posts, I plan to take on specific social epidemics and discuss how the fraternity and sorority movement can be a force in their dissolution. I encourage you to join me in this quest and consider this institution you love a bit more boldly.

Let's make fraternity a force for the social change our world most desperately needs.

Leadership in Our Chapters…and the Abilene Paradox

Guest Essay By Dave Westol, Limberlost Consulting

It has been said that the boards of directors of non-profit organizations are often composed of good—I will make that very good—men and women who nonetheless may make bad or occasionally terrible decisions as a board that none of the directors would make as individuals.

And that sounds counter-intuitive. Why would individuals, who were theoretically elected or appointed because they possess strong positive qualities including the ability to analyze facts and data and make sound decisions, do the exact opposite while in a group of good people?

Why indeed? And how does that apply to our undergraduate chapters?

Mr. Rhetorical Question, may I present the Abilene Paradox?

The Abilene Paradox is the creation of Jerry B. Harvey—now Dr. Harvey—who has contributed in many ways to the study of organizational dynamics. His Paradox theory has been used countless times to explain a simple concept—that people react differently when in a group, especially when they are in a leadership role.

The Abilene Paradox occurred to Jerry when he was a doctoral student. He and his wife were visiting her parents in Coleman, Texas on a Sunday afternoon in August. Coleman is located about fifty miles southeast of Abilene.

Jerry was sitting on the shaded back porch of the home playing dominoes with his father-in-law at about three o’clock in the afternoon. It was hot but pleasant—a breeze, cold lemonade, peaceful. Then, it happened. His father-in-law got to his feet and said, “Let’s go to Abilene to the cafeteria for dinner!”

Jerry, not wanting to be branded as the whiny son-in-law, said, “Ah, okay”. His wife, knowing what was in store but also wanting to go along with the apparent majority, said, “Ah, okay”. His mother-in-law said, “Let’s get going if we’re going to go”. And away they went, each of the four knowing that the trip would involve a two-hour drive over dirt roads in an un-airconditioned automobile for a dinner that would be a tribute to gastrointestinal distress followed by another two-hour drive home.

The trip and the food were worse than anticipated. After they arrived home, his mother-in-law reportedly said, “I don’t know why I let y’all talk me into that”. Jerry responded that he didn’t want to be in the collective “Y’all”—that he had not wanted to go in the first place. His wife agreed. His father-in-law then justified it by observing that his daughter and son-in-law seldom visited and he thought that they might want something different. He added that he would have been happy with a beer and leftovers served on the back porch.

There you have it…the Abilene Paradox. Four intelligent people agreeing to a course of action that not one of them would have done as an individual…and to please others who in fact were not pleased.

When board members fail to state their true opinions; when they misperceive the collective reality; when they will not challenge or question because they defer to older, more experienced board members or when they allow friendships, shared experiences or other real or imagined affiliations to affect decision-making—then the board of directors has just climbed onto the bus for Abilene, as Dr. Harvey notes in subsequent writings.

Dr. Harvey also includes action anxiety (my interpretation is the reluctance by board members to pull the trigger or make a decision—“We need more information!”), fantasized risks, fear of ostracism by other board members and group tyranny as other aspects for the Abilene Paradox.

And do those dynamics apply to undergraduate chapters?

Absolutely.

Perhaps more so than with a board of directors, because our undergraduates often have stronger perceived bonds. Friendships, roommates, “She gave me a ride home last Thanksgiving”, “He threw me a TD last week at the game”…all factor into the chapter version of the Paradox.

One of the best arguments against the emphasis placed upon pledge class unity in hazing chapters is that we intentionally create our own version of the Abilene Paradox—we require our new members to think, act and in some cases speak alike, thus effectively snuffing individualism, critical thinking and initiative. When I served as CEO of my national fraternity I often saw that dynamic, especially during times that called for a significant decision. The brother who was stiffing the chapter on a large bill and up for suspension…the junior who was unsuited to serve as president but nominated…watch and listen as his pledge class lined up on the side of their former pledge brother because of blind loyalty rather than what was right for the chapter.

What can we do as chapter leaders to prevent our version of the Abilene Paradox?

First, we can create an atmosphere—a culture in our chapters—in which all members, not just older or more experienced members—can voice their opinions without fear of being ridiculed or mocked. Presidents and other officers: this is your area of control. Set the tone at meetings.

Secondly, we encourage a culture of inquiry—that is, a culture of healthy debate. We ask for and listen to opinions and arguments. We don’t, however, waste the time of the chapter with repetitive arguments or duplicate comments that begin with, “I agree with ___” Chapter presidents, this is your time to guide but not control the discussion.

Third…we get it right. That means that we may disagree with others but through that process of discussion and debate—attorneys often call it, “Discourse”, which is a good word for reasoned, respectful disagreement—we arrive at the best resolution.

Mark Baltz is an official in the National Football League who lives in Zionsville, Indiana, and attends some of the weekly meetings of the high school football officials held in downtown Indianapolis. I am co-chairman of the Football Committee with Bud Klumph, a Sigma Chi from Arizona State, and we schedule Mark to speak to our 100+ officials each year.

In his presentation Mark always notes that the biggest mistake he made in his career was starting a varsity football officiating crew with four friends. They were good officials…but they had difficulty speaking to each other in blunt and candid fashion. They allowed their friendships to get in the way of getting it right.

As a football official, I understand that simple concept. We must get the call right for the players, the coaches and the fans, whether there are 200 or 8,000. Friendship, hurt feelings or perceived slights have no place in an effective crew. We cannot get on the bus to Abilene and agree with a bad call because we don’t want someone to feel hurt.

As chapter leaders, you must encourage, prompt and indeed stimulate thoughtful discussion and discourse, especially about important topics or issues. Then, you must zealously safeguard the right of each member, regardless of age, seniority or status in the chapter, to speak to those topics and issues. You must insure that members feel comfortable challenging and questioning practices and decisions that in years past may have been no-brainers.

Finally, you must help sisters or brothers find that “getting it right” place. Sometimes that means you must put aside your feelings about an issue or question. There is a difference, of course, between a legitimate issue and voting on an illegal activity such as hazing. That is one occasion when you must stand up and speak out.

The Abilene Paradox…will exist as long as we fail to encourage our members to stand up and speak out. Many a chapter has been asked, “What were you thinking?” after a serious incident, problem or tragedy. I suspect that the answer is: “We were thinking…but we were not expressing our thoughts”

Dave Westol served as CEO of his national fraternity for eighteen years and now has his own consulting company, Limberlost Consulting, Inc., in Carmel, Indiana. He has served on the board of directors for FIPG, Inc. and as a football official for over 30 seasons. He can be reached at David.Westol@gmail.com.