A Fraternity Life at Forty

Here I stand.

Brothers in 1998

Brothers in 2016

A man at 40.

Check that – a fraternity man at 40.

My brotherhood now is a cluster of three whimsical, invincible boys. And my wife is my lifelong sweetheart.

A fraternity man at 40.

How did I get here so quickly? How did I reach this age that when I was in college, was the age of mentors and advisors and coaches and teachers? How can I possibly have reached a halfway point of the typical American male life?

And do I deserve to be here?

(And where did those gray hairs come from?)

No matter what, there is no escaping this point in my life. 40 years in. And hopefully at least those many yet to come.

Of those 40 years, one-tenth of them were spent as an undergraduate member of Theta Chi fraternity at Miami University in Oxford, Ohio.

For a lot – maybe most – of the men who join a fraternity, that one-tenth is what they will consider their fraternity years. Not for me.

My fraternity years started in January 1995, and are still going. I took to heart what my Ritual told me about lifelong commitments and obligations. In addition, I’ve come to understand that a fraternity life is actually better understood outside of the walls of the undergraduate house, or beyond the lush landscape of the college campus.

Fraternity is like most complex endeavors in life in that it takes on new and more profound meaning when it is studied and reflected upon. It was Socrates who said that the “unexamined life is not worth living.” Well, the unexamined fraternity is a profound experience wasted.

At 40, life has taught me a few things. For example, if you love someone, don’t wait to tell them. Listening is the greatest gift you can give another person. Vulnerability is as important a leadership skill as public speaking. Brussels sprouts can actually be good when cooked with bacon. And the list goes on.

In regards to fraternity, I now look upon that experience much differently than when I was a young undergraduate member. I’ve determined the ten inalienable truths of the fraternity experience (at least until I’m 50 and change my mind). In no particular order…

1: Initiation into a fraternity is the starting gate, and not the finish line. When we see it as the opposite, then we limit the true lifelong nature of this experience. Don't tell me that when pledging was over I reached my destination. I'm still going.

2: The values in the fraternity Ritual can be life-directing. There is wisdom and guidance and roadmaps in those words but we too often treat them as only pretty ceremonies. Understand, adsorb, and live these teachings. I use them in my life today as a parent, husband, nonprofit executive, community volunteer, etc.

3: The undergraduate fraternity experience is one of the last bastions of preparation for real life leadership. I’m recalling more of the things I learned in my undergrad fraternity years in my leadership experiences right now than anything else. Leadership in so many places on campus these days is over-coached and over-structured. For me, the experience of leading my brothers was messy, difficult, and emotionally exhausting. It was real.

4: The party/entertainment aspect of a fraternity matters and can be a fondly-remembered aspect. However, it is but one branch of the fraternity tree, and not the root.

5: Hazing is absolutely unnecessary to experience fraternity. I experienced it, it did nothing for me as a fraternity member then or now, and it is actually a scar on the original vision of the fraternity movement. 

6: Brotherhood is much greater than friendship and is built upon fidelity to shared values. On this blog, I have defined brotherhood as
the bonding of men of various backgrounds, beliefs, places, and eras around a singular set of life-directing commitments. I have many friends in this world, but very few true brothers.

7: In order for the undergraduate fraternity experience to be profound, it needs to be self-governed. And there may be no greater self-imposed threat to our future than our desires to manage and control this feature away.I wouldn't be the fraternity man I am today if my Greek advisor hadn't let me lead.

8: Relationships take work. Fraternity didn’t just instantly make my chapter-mates and I lifelong friends. Fraternity created brotherhood, which created the opportunity for lifelong friendship to thrive. But the real honest work of relationship-building was needed and still is to this day.

9: Fraternity is a truly powerful experience if we accept that it can be, and treat it that way.

10: I am a fraternity man because at age 40, I still believe in it, practice it, fight for it, and adhere to its teachings. And you can too, no matter how many gray hairs you have.

This is a fraternal life at forty, and the road ahead is looking pretty good. Another year older, and another year deeper into the richness of fraternity. I can't wait to learn more.

Mentor with Meaning

Has our casual attitude and approach to mentoring diminished its power?

A mentor of mine, Dr. Denny Roberts, once shared the opinion with me that the word mentor has become watered down.  I agree.  I'm  not one who generally cares about terminology battles, but I can get on board with this.  Mentor is now used all of the time to describe a wide scope of relationship types, of any length, depth, or value. You can be called a mentor if you spend an hour with a person, or a decade.  You can be called a mentor even if the impact you have is forgettable.  So-called "mentors" can come in and out of our lives like taxi cab drivers.  By the time we are in college, we've probably had dozens of individuals in our lives who were called or claimed to be our mentors. 

Lots of educational institutions and nonprofits now have "mentorship" programs.  "Be a mentor today" is a common slogan.  Mentoring relationships are even becoming predetermined.  Once, on a plane, I overheard a guy complaining to the person next to him about how much he dislikes his assigned mentor.

With mentor becoming relatively synonymous with having any well-intentioned interaction with another person, what term is truly left to describe the extraordinarily powerful, life-altering link between a person with guidance to share and a person eager to soak it up?  The link that turns a caring adult in your life into a father or mother-figure? What can you call the Yoda in your life, the Morpheus, the Mary Poppins, the Professor Keating?  With mentor becoming a benign, throwaway word in our culture, can it still do these types of relationships justice?

Dr. Roberts' concerns with our overuse of mentor came also from the historical derivation of the word.  Mentor was a character in Homer's The Odyssey.  If you remember, The Odyssey is a sweeping story of Odysseus and his adventures during his return home from the Trojan War.  While he was gone on his quests, Odysseus entrusted his kingdom and his most important possession - his son Telemachus - to the wise Mentor.  That level of trust was profound.  Because of Mentor's wisdom and regard, the Goddess Athena chose to take on his persona while giving Telemachus guidance that would alter his life. 

If you had to entrust your child with one other person in this world, who would that be?  Probably someone extraordinarily consequential to you.  Someone like Mentor.

Ever since The Odyssey, the word Mentor has come to mean a rare relationship that is longstanding, caring, and developmental.  Well - maybe not so much any more.

The purpose of this essay isn't to try to reverse how the term mentor is being used, or try to reclaim its significance as a word.  That probably can't happen at this point anyhow. I only wanted to share the information above as encouragement to all of us to remember, and not take for granted, the presence of true mentors in our lives.  Even if the word gets watered down, the relationships are real.  And you know which ones they are.

A lot of my mentors come from my college years.  I'm guessing that's true for a lot of you as well.  College is a time designed to force us into a journey of self discovery, and so we tend to be attracted to influential people who want to help us along that path.  Thus, fraternity can provide us these opportunities as well.  Consider for a moment your big brother or big sister program.  Some bigs and littles will define their relationship by gifts to each other and perhaps a deeper friendship.  Others will grab that chance to coach a younger member on how to draw the most power from the fraternity experience.  They'll seize the opening to mentor.

By the way, if you let down your guard, get to know them, and let your relationship with them flourish, Greek advisors can become some of the best mentors you could ever have.

Take a moment to think about who are true mentors in your life. Remember - there should only be a few.  Do these people know this?  If not, why wait to tell them?

And, consider another question. Are you currently, or have you ever been, a mentor to anyone?  As you look at it, you may need to downgrade some of the relationships you thought were mentorship because they aren't at that high of a level.  Or, if you want to continue to call it mentorship, then you may have to double your efforts to earn it. Give your heart and soul to it.  Make it matter more to the other person than it does now - more than they would have thought possible.

And, if it isn't a mentoring relationship after all, a caring relationship of any kind still matters immensely. Young people need those now more than ever. The Search Institute's research shows that the presence of a caring non-parent adult in the lives of young people could be the tipping point for their future.  It doesn't have to be mentorship to matter.  I have lots of advisors, coaches, supporters, and friends in my life who have made a difference for me.

But I only have a few mentors.

And to my mentors - I thank you. I'm sending you a personal note today to remind you of how much you mean to me.  You have earned every ounce of the meaning of that word.  And by now, you should know, that its a word I hold in reserve.  For only those rare relationships. For you.



Dr. Denny Roberts has an outstanding blog, Pursuing Leadership.  He is also the author of Deeper Learning in Leadership: Helping College Students Find the Potential Within.

Alcohol: More Questions Than Answers

There has been a great deal of negative publicity for the sorority community lately, specifically caused by media reports of four formals that seemed to get completely out of control. There were two incidents at Miami University, (incident 1, incident 2), an incident at the University of Dayton, and one at Ohio University. The reports of the happenings at these events are staggering.

When I was an undergraduate, I attended formals. I drank at those formals, and I witnessed some crazy behavior. But nothing like what these reports describe.

It serves as a reminder that our old arch-nemesis is still out there, trying to thwart our attempts at aligning Greek-letter organizations with the values they were founded upon. The nemesis is alcohol.

I’ve spent a couple of years with this blog trying to identify issues and offer solutions. Frequent readers may have noticed that I have left the issue of alcohol alone for the most part. There is a very good reason why:

I have no clue what to do about it.

In regards to alcohol and fraternity, I am dumbfounded. Perplexed. Confused. Dismayed. I just don’t know the answer.

I do have a lot more questions, now that I’m older and hopefully wiser. As I’ve thought more and more about this issue in recent days, here are some thoughts that keep coming back to my mind:

Should the drinking age be lowered?
My initial reaction is yes. I understand the philosophical reasons for lowering the drinking age, many of them promoted by The Amethyst Initiative. I do believe that 18 or 19-year old men and women should be able to claim the moniker of adulthood, which includes fighting for your country, voting for its leaders, and making big life decisions. Thus, why shouldn’t adults be able to choose to drink if they want to?

I have reasons for pause, however.  There is the drunk driving issue. Also, would making it legal to drink at 18 or 19 make it even more enticing for 16-17 year-olds? There are a lot of moving pieces in this issue.  It's worth noting that the drinking age was once 18.  We've been there before.

What messages are young people hearing from advisers and higher education professionals?
It’s a common refrain offered by advisers, facilitators and speakers when addressing fraternity and sorority members: “I won’t tell you not to drink, but rather, to do it responsibly.” Or, “I know you are going to drink, but I just want you to do it safely.” Or, “here’s a very funny drunken story from my college years and you shouldn’t do the same thing.”

I understand the realism behind these comments. After all, underage drinking may be the most violated state law ever, or it runs a close second to speeding. I also understand the motivations of the speakers. Why suffer through the eye-rolling, giggles, and ignoring that comes whenever young people are told not to do something?  Also, we're afraid of the "you drank in college, so why can't we?" card.

However, if you really think about it, when we say those things to young audiences, we are actually giving them permission to break the law. It’s still their choice, but we, as professionals they admire and look up to, just made that choice easier for them.  Are we mentors, guides, coaches or not?

And what about the recent sorority formals?  Sure, there was irresponsible and unsafe drinking at those events. But every irresponsible drinker started with one drink. And that irresponsible drinker might have attended an educational session at which the presenter essentially said that that one drink is okay – even if he or she is underage.

Is our reticence to take a strong stance on underage drinking actually helping it become a norm?

What’s worth more, our risk management and social policies or the paper that they are printed on?
I terms of changing behavior, the volumes of policies regarding alcohol that we (and billions of lawyers) have developed over the years have been worthless. The problem is as bad as ever – and potentially worse. These policies may serve as a protection against lawsuits, but that’s about it. There may be a few exceptions that we can count on one hand, but generally speaking, nobody uses guest lists and nobody uses BYOB. I admire the attempt, but we have to admit that it’s not working.

Perhaps it’s time for a new approach. Again – I’ll be honest – I don’t know what that new approach should be. I do know this: you could throw away almost every risk management policy we have right now, and nothing would be different. 

Other thoughts or questions I have include:

• Are we increasingly inheriting this problem from secondary education?
• Is there any effect when undergrads see their campus or headquarters staff boozing it up in Facebook pics?
• Or, when they hear about them boozing it up at their professional conferences?
• Will this issue ever be solved if it isn’t owned in equal measure by both men’s and women’s organizations?
• What has happened to individual responsibility?

My thoughts will continue to evolve on this issue.  I’m more interested in yours.  What do you think is the solution for the alcohol issue in today’s fraternities and sororities?